Butterfly Awakens: A Memoir of Transformation Through Grief
April 12, 2018, The Seventh Anniversary of My Mother’s Passing
We are not here to grow comfortably numb. This is not why we have shown up at this time or this place in this world. A life so constrained by judgments or mores, we—I—can’t do that anymore! Seven years ago, my mother left the physical plane. She would be joining me as I set out in two days on the adventure I sought to shake out of the doldrums. If that meant stepping out of my comfort zone for one moment, one hour, one season, I would do what I needed to do to uncover the answers within and get my happy ending to this chapter.
Wake up to that truth. Wake up to the belief that this body is the vessel, the beautiful, perfect vessel whose energy attracts me to others, whose energy is the invitation to what I most truly want or desire, whose energy will bring me what I am willing and consciously setting out to find. So I will put one foot in front of the other, mile by mile, and one memory to the next. Awake, alive, aroused—I will let the world permeate my very being, allowing my soul to blossom and, along with it, the dream that was born in me long ago.
I refuse to believe that the child within me is gone. I stand up against the notion that the dream has dissipated with her celestial body. I will not remain comfortably numb. That is not why I am here. That is not why I have shown up at this time. Judgments or mores no longer constrain my life. It is love that I ultimately serve—for that, I move on and out of the invisible cage doors—opening up my world to a new beginning each morning when I open my eyes to life. Ovid wrote, “Fortune and love favor the brave.” Yes, I choose to be brave, and with that choice, I will love and feel loved—no longer numb.
After discussing with my son why I chose to go on this trip and do something in the face of a world gone awry, I told him my mother would always say, “You fight evil with good.”
Then I wrote him this poem:
I will not stand by and watch things of hate unfold.
You were born from glory, and that story will be told.
To sit on a throne and look down throwing gold,
Will do none of us good for our souls won’t be sold.
Instead, I rise for justice with others who are bold,
And speak truth to wrongs, we will not be so trolled.
And my wish for you child as you grow to be old,
Never take for granted your blessings,
For others gave life for love to take hold.
The following is an entry from my journal written on the eve of the pilgrimage: Tomorrow, I leave for El Camino, with nothing blocking my way now. My mentor, Dr. Habib, texted me:
Go on the pilgrimage first. That walk will open up everything for you. Your book, The Magical Guide to Bliss, is the manual for transformation.
I look forward to what I will discover on this pilgrimage. I am as ready as I ever will be: trust the process, and hopefully, the transformation will follow. I will have my mom’s purple butterfly with me
the whole way and over eight hundred Love Buttons too. Like the song sung by the late Doris Day, “Que Sera,” “Whatever will be, will be.” Mommy, I am open and willing to receive, keeping your legacy alive, and creating my own. When I close my eyes, you’re still here, just a little beyond the veil. Your three little ones and soul mate are still making magic right where you left off, with you watching over us and keeping us safe. I am curious as to the blessings I know will come. Not traditional, open to everything, my father calls me “spiritually eclectic,” one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten.
There comes a time when you come to that place where you have no idea what is next. When your dreams have been realized to a certain extent, and you have reached a crossroads. There you need to start trusting your instincts. Start taking your advice. Be smart—use the God-given brains and talents you were born with to get intentional. And for goodness sake, shut out all the naysaying that the world of Muggles and mere mortals are trying to dish out. You keep taking the next best step. You keep hoping that your faith will carry you through.
You keep on moving forward. And show up as authentically you! I say a prayer of gratitude for this insight as I promise to carry and deliver the healing intentions entrusted to me by my friends and family at El Monte do Gozo, the Hill of Joy, the last stop before I get to the cathedral.
I promise you I will never give up. In my guide, April is the month of transforming dreams into reality. I’m ready. I am about to live out the last chapter of this part of my journey.
MEG NOCERO is a former Department of Homeland Security attorney. After 19 years of federal government service, she resigned to pursue her dream as a writer, inspirational speaker, success coach, and attorney for justice. A former federal prosecutor, inspirational speaker, certified empowerment coach, and award-winning author of Butterfly Awakens: A Memoir of Transformation Through Grief
This excerpt is republished with Permission